Choosing Solitude Without Apology
Why being alone can be a conscious, healthy choice, not a failure
The Quiet Truth I Did Not Expect to Find
Throughout my life, I have always tried to surround myself with people. I made friends easily everywhere I went, until I was in my MBBS. There came a time when I was forced to face the fact that I had absolutely no friends in my college. I was utterly and completely alone. Now, usually, this realisation should have brought an utter sense of despair in me, but truly, for the first time in my life, I felt free and happy beyond measure.
That was the moment I realised that I actually loved being alone. I took long walks without any music or distractions. I dined alone in my favourite restaurants, dressed up for no reason, and took myself out on solo dates to malls, cafes, ice cream parlours, and movies, and read several novels. It was exhilarating.
Solitude, according to me, is one of the most misunderstood terms. Choosing solitude is not about avoiding people. Rather, it is about coming back to yourself. There is no one to explain your choices to, apart from yourself. That alone brings an immense sense of peace and relief.
Solitude Is Not Loneliness
Solitude and loneliness are not the same. Solitude is when we seek to be alone, not as a compulsion but as a choice. You actively seek solitude because you actually enjoy it. Loneliness is what you feel when you are forced to be alone but do not, in fact, like it or are actively seeking to change your situation. Loneliness is resented, but solitude is cherished. Loneliness is caused by the absence of something, but solitude is, in fact, the act of being present with and for yourself.
Society usually tends to conflate the two, assuming that people who are by themselves are bored and sad or are in immediate need of a rescue. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, when you try to disturb someone who has actually set that time purposely to be by themselves, they would rather hate the fact that you are intruding on their carefully curated moments of peace. I know this because I feel that way too.
Why Choosing to Be Alone Makes Others Uncomfortable
In the hustle and bustle of our lives, where connection is just a click away, the idea of consciously choosing to be alone can feel odd to a lot of people. We are expected to be connected all the time. Not wanting to do so can feel weird or even rude in today’s time.
This is even more true in the case of women who are just expected to be available all the time for other people. Women, according to society, are the primary caregivers in any given role, be it as a daughter, mother, sister, wife, or friend. So just the idea of them wanting to take some time out of their exceedingly busy schedules to just be by themselves is labelled as ‘selfish.’
People usually hate or fear something that they don’t understand. That is exactly what happens when they find someone who is content being alone because they do not understand how somebody can have such a strong sense of self that does not depend on external validation, especially in today’s age of social media and online turbulence.
What Solitude Gave Me
Solitude gave me clarity like never before. I learned to love myself and be my own best friend in moments when I was alone. In solitude, nobody can judge us; we do not have to analyse and overthink conversations and facial expressions or read between the lines.
It gave me peace, as I was not answerable to anyone and could do as I pleased without having to explain my choices. I learned to trust myself in these moments, something that I struggled with before. I understood who I truly am, what my likes and dislikes are, and what values I hold close to my heart. I fell in love with existence—nothing grand, just the simple art of being.
Solitude gave me the space to heal, to come to terms with what it was that I truly wanted for my life without the expectations of others clouding my decisions. I once again began to look at life through the lens of a child, always excited and in awe of everything that my wonderful life entailed.
In these moments of deep thinking, I was utterly amazed to realise that all my life I had been chasing success in societal terms when, in reality, all I wanted was to live a simple, honest life with integrity. I just wanted the means, freedom, and independence to do everything that I wanted to do. For the first time in my life, I actually knew what I really wanted.
These moments of solitude always act as fuel to my creativity. My ideas for writing and other important things come from these moments of uninterrupted calm and peace.
It helped me regulate my emotions, as now I was not trying to dismiss my feelings but actually tried to understand what they were trying to tell me. This, I think, is the basis of emotional intelligence.
Letting Go of the Need to Explain
Earlier, I would try to explain my need to be alone because I was afraid that people would not understand it. None of my family or close friends seemed to enjoy solitude the way I did. I would justify my need to be alone to make them understand that it was not personal but simply how I function.
But I do not do that anymore. I no longer soften or overexplain my basic need for alone time. I now take time off without explanations and the need to defend myself. I just shut my door to the noise and clutter of the outside world and drown in the quiet of my mind.
I have now developed the quiet confidence of no longer defending my choice. After all, you do not have to feel guilty about any decision that brings you peace and happiness.
Solitude as a Choice, not an Escape
Many people mistake solitude for isolation. But that is not true at all. Solitude is the art of being present with yourself to rewind and recharge, whereas isolation is purposely trying to avoid other people. Solitude is always a positive choice, which is not always the case with isolation.
Choosing solitude does not mean rejecting connection. In fact, I have noticed that when I have spent enough time by myself, I have renewed energy to invest in the relationships that are actually important and meaningful to me. Solitude teaches us the importance of quality over quantity.
Solitude strengthens our capability of discernment. When we are alone and not drowning in the opinions and expectations of others, we finally understand what we truly want. We can identify patterns and know when to disengage. This is a highly useful skill in relationships. We know what aligns with our life and what does not.
Choosing What Steadies Me
There are some seasons when we crave company, and then there are ones that ask for quiet. Recognising these needs and fulfilling them is what makes our lives rich.
Not every choice needs applause, and to choose solitude is to validate yourself instead of relying on others.
There is dignity in choosing what steadies us. Coming back to yourself each time is how strength is quietly built. There is undeniable freedom in choosing yourself and being alone.
If this resonated, you may enjoy my occasional newsletter on slow living and thoughtful growth.
Aishwarya Goud is a doctor and writer exploring wellness, personal growth, and intentional living through thoughtful, reflective writing.
She writes at a slow, intentional pace.